I was chuckling to myself this morning as I thought about things I used to do when I was younger. And I don't mean like, 10.. I mean I stopped doing these things only a few years ago.
When I was younger, I thought that when I was retail shopping and someone asked me at the checkout, "Is anyone helping you today?," that it meant "Is anyone helping you pay for your items today?" And I wondered why the hell they asked this. I mean, did women come in shopping and have someone "help them" with the price? Did some shadowed stranger just step up and slap down a credit card and pay for all the girls' stuff? Would they just say "Oh yeah, charge it to so and so"? I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Because of this, I always assumed the sales people thought I had some sugar daddy when in reality I never did. And because of this, I probably scammed at least tens of dollars in commissions from sales people. Because in reality, I WAS being helped. By the people who told me their names and opened the dressing rooms for me. Oops.
Another stupid thing I used to do was once my hair was cut, and they handed me the mirror - I never knew it was so look at the back of my hair. They would hand me the mirror and I would hold it in my hand and smile and nod and cringe a bit like, what is this all about? I just thought it was so I could look at my face in a DIFFERENT mirror. And you know, not look at the back of my hair. I was literally like 25 when I realized this wasn't the case. Oops. At least this one, unlike the above, didn't cost anyone any money.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Me too
Lately I've been having a lot of "me too, me too" moments. I tend to think of it as jealousy, but it's not really like that, not 100% I think. It's more of an "I wish I could have that too". And it's about one thing in particular, and it's hard to talk about. There's this marketing term called "Captive audience" or "engaged audience" or something, and basically it means it's a lot easier to sell people a car if they're in the MARKET for a new car. If they're not looking, they won't notice your advertising. But if there ARE looking, they're a lot more likely to pay attention to you. I feel like that's happening in my life now, these "me too" moments that I see everywhere.
And I wonder... is it really any different than it ever was, or am I an engaged audience now and I see this everywhere? It's like I can't escape it. Real life, work life, facebook. And then I'm like, I'd be a bitch to notice this and not say anything - and it's not like I'm not happy for these people but I feel all liar-y being like GREAT! GOOD FOR YOU! When in reality I don't really care about (most) of their situations. I just care about mine.
Me too.
And I wonder... is it really any different than it ever was, or am I an engaged audience now and I see this everywhere? It's like I can't escape it. Real life, work life, facebook. And then I'm like, I'd be a bitch to notice this and not say anything - and it's not like I'm not happy for these people but I feel all liar-y being like GREAT! GOOD FOR YOU! When in reality I don't really care about (most) of their situations. I just care about mine.
Me too.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Last Thursday, Josh and I took the GTI and drove a couple hours to LUSK, WYOMING! Home of a Best Western, another hotel, and... I think that's about maybe it. We almost hit a deer driving in too, which was weird. I also did that screamy gasp / grab the handle / shift uncomfortably in my seat thing because I thought we were going to crash before we even got to Fort Collins, which got Josh mad. By the time we finished our dinner though we'd apologized... I said I don't really make a conscious decision to DO it, it just happens. Total your car and see how easy going YOU are when someone else is driving. Anyway.
After staying the night in Lusk, we headed out to South Dakota in some back roads through the Black Hills. We saw a herd of buffalo, and drove past Crazy Horse and Mount Rushmore.
Then we hit Rapid City, and as I was taking a look at all the attractions one stood our in particular: Dinosaur Park. I freaked out because I have pictures there from when I was about 3, sitting on these giant cement dinos with my cousins. Needless to say I made Josh veer off the main drag, and we get a bit outside of town... you know how when you're driving up to a major attraction you can see it, or the town starts looking a bit like "hey, Disneyland / Water Park / Tourist attraction is just ahead?" No, there was nothing. The road started veering up a hill, and going past these teeny little houses that looked super old, and I was about to give up but then Josh saw a dino head towering above the hill and I literally screamed. So, we jump out of the car and it's literally 100 degrees, and I start screaming DINOS! like I'm a 4 year old instead of a 28 year old on vacation, and I charge up these steps like, YEAH YEAH YEAH!!! And Josh took a ton of pictures of me on the same dinosaurs from 25 years before, and my heart was happy.
After that we ate at Taco Johns and made the lone drive to Sioux Falls, where I proceeded to drink too much margarita at the family reunion and almost pass out on the lawn. Instead I passed out in my room and woke up at 9:30, hung over and disoriented. So I had some dinner and went back to bed. Sunday we went to Lake Madison and water skied, and I wish I was still there doing that now because of how fun it is. The lake was full of green algae but not the sick foamy kind that makes me want to throw up thinking about it touching me. We had to leave pretty early though, so I was sad as it's been 10 years since I was there and will probably be 10 before I am back, though I really hope it's not that long. Monday was really low key, and then Tuesday.... was the bane of my existence driving 11 hours back to Colorado.
So the whole time I was complaining like, why can't they make a more direct highway from here to South Dakota? Why does this take so effing long? I started making plans to get a small plane, and a small pilot's license, and fly there. But that's not realistic either really, so I guess the only options continue to be to fly, or drive 11 hours past the Kearney Arch in Nebraska.
But anyway at least I got dino pictures, and buffalo pictures, and pictures of us at the lake because.. that's all that really matters to me. Make fun of me all you want but, South Dakota was a great vacation.
After staying the night in Lusk, we headed out to South Dakota in some back roads through the Black Hills. We saw a herd of buffalo, and drove past Crazy Horse and Mount Rushmore.
Then we hit Rapid City, and as I was taking a look at all the attractions one stood our in particular: Dinosaur Park. I freaked out because I have pictures there from when I was about 3, sitting on these giant cement dinos with my cousins. Needless to say I made Josh veer off the main drag, and we get a bit outside of town... you know how when you're driving up to a major attraction you can see it, or the town starts looking a bit like "hey, Disneyland / Water Park / Tourist attraction is just ahead?" No, there was nothing. The road started veering up a hill, and going past these teeny little houses that looked super old, and I was about to give up but then Josh saw a dino head towering above the hill and I literally screamed. So, we jump out of the car and it's literally 100 degrees, and I start screaming DINOS! like I'm a 4 year old instead of a 28 year old on vacation, and I charge up these steps like, YEAH YEAH YEAH!!! And Josh took a ton of pictures of me on the same dinosaurs from 25 years before, and my heart was happy.
After that we ate at Taco Johns and made the lone drive to Sioux Falls, where I proceeded to drink too much margarita at the family reunion and almost pass out on the lawn. Instead I passed out in my room and woke up at 9:30, hung over and disoriented. So I had some dinner and went back to bed. Sunday we went to Lake Madison and water skied, and I wish I was still there doing that now because of how fun it is. The lake was full of green algae but not the sick foamy kind that makes me want to throw up thinking about it touching me. We had to leave pretty early though, so I was sad as it's been 10 years since I was there and will probably be 10 before I am back, though I really hope it's not that long. Monday was really low key, and then Tuesday.... was the bane of my existence driving 11 hours back to Colorado.
So the whole time I was complaining like, why can't they make a more direct highway from here to South Dakota? Why does this take so effing long? I started making plans to get a small plane, and a small pilot's license, and fly there. But that's not realistic either really, so I guess the only options continue to be to fly, or drive 11 hours past the Kearney Arch in Nebraska.
But anyway at least I got dino pictures, and buffalo pictures, and pictures of us at the lake because.. that's all that really matters to me. Make fun of me all you want but, South Dakota was a great vacation.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Somebody Motivate me!
May 3, has it really been that long since I posted? What's wrong with me? It's not like I've done nothing for the past month and a half, jeez.
I've done a lot of things. We bought a new truck, I downloaded some new songs, I semi-conquered my fears of doing a flyaway on the high bar in gymnastics (and ripped a hole in my hand and haven't been back since, eh). But for some reason finding the motivation to write in here just always evades me.
And it's weird because when I read my old Livejournal blog, I crack up and I'm so glad I have those things written down because hey, I think I'm pretty interesting. I think I used to update the old one more too because I linked to it from my MySpace page, but I don't use MySpace anymore and hence, no more updates that the world can see.
But anyway now I never write about anything much - maybe it's because my world is really small. Maybe I don't know what I want to do with my life (who does?). Maybe it's because I feel restless. I don't know, I need something new. I feel like all I do is sleep and work and not much in between, and that's a problem. And I know it's my problem (I DO know that, apparently a phrase that will be engraved on my tombstone by Matt) but I just don't know what to do about it. I need to get out of the house because I work here, and who wants to spend all day every day at their work? I need to find a creative writing class, or a stained glass class, or a dance or yoga class, or a new friend, or something.
And speaking of friends, one of my best friends was discussing moving out of the state of California, and my heart did like 10 backflips because I know Colorado is a potential state that said person could move to. And it got me thinking like, what would I do, and what would my life be like, if I had a really close friend live close to me again? What would I do differently (probably lots of things). I miss friends. It's not like I don't have any, but well, all of them live far away. And I know that was a sacrifice I made when I moved here too. But sometimes it's just fun to think about the things I would do differently if I had friends close to me again.
Which is probably why I'm aching to get out to Orange County again. Lots of friends that are always happy to see me. I know it's stupid that I didn't ask if I could fly there from work, but there will be another weekend. Or dammit, maybe that one. I want to go. I want to go see 311 in crappy seats on the grass. I want to wonder where I am going to work from. Maybe I'll just fly from San Francisco to Denver and turn my ass around and fly right back to Orange County. I can do whatever I want, I'm an adult! And I need this.
I've done a lot of things. We bought a new truck, I downloaded some new songs, I semi-conquered my fears of doing a flyaway on the high bar in gymnastics (and ripped a hole in my hand and haven't been back since, eh). But for some reason finding the motivation to write in here just always evades me.
And it's weird because when I read my old Livejournal blog, I crack up and I'm so glad I have those things written down because hey, I think I'm pretty interesting. I think I used to update the old one more too because I linked to it from my MySpace page, but I don't use MySpace anymore and hence, no more updates that the world can see.
But anyway now I never write about anything much - maybe it's because my world is really small. Maybe I don't know what I want to do with my life (who does?). Maybe it's because I feel restless. I don't know, I need something new. I feel like all I do is sleep and work and not much in between, and that's a problem. And I know it's my problem (I DO know that, apparently a phrase that will be engraved on my tombstone by Matt) but I just don't know what to do about it. I need to get out of the house because I work here, and who wants to spend all day every day at their work? I need to find a creative writing class, or a stained glass class, or a dance or yoga class, or a new friend, or something.
And speaking of friends, one of my best friends was discussing moving out of the state of California, and my heart did like 10 backflips because I know Colorado is a potential state that said person could move to. And it got me thinking like, what would I do, and what would my life be like, if I had a really close friend live close to me again? What would I do differently (probably lots of things). I miss friends. It's not like I don't have any, but well, all of them live far away. And I know that was a sacrifice I made when I moved here too. But sometimes it's just fun to think about the things I would do differently if I had friends close to me again.
Which is probably why I'm aching to get out to Orange County again. Lots of friends that are always happy to see me. I know it's stupid that I didn't ask if I could fly there from work, but there will be another weekend. Or dammit, maybe that one. I want to go. I want to go see 311 in crappy seats on the grass. I want to wonder where I am going to work from. Maybe I'll just fly from San Francisco to Denver and turn my ass around and fly right back to Orange County. I can do whatever I want, I'm an adult! And I need this.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Me, 13 years ago
I bet you can't really see that image above, but that's me 13 years ago as a freshman in high school. Someone actually scanned in our entire class, and posted the images to Facebook. So using the power of screenshots and microsoft paint, I have exposed my 15 year old self to the very limited audiance that reads this blog. I mean seriously there's what, 2 of you? I like this picture because it's hilarious. I mean, look at my shirt for example. It's one of the first shirts I paid for myself. I really broke the bank, I bought it at Wet Seal for 28 dollars. It was made of TOWEL MATERIAL, in case you're curious. Apparently those were really hip and with it at the time. I was probably also wearing jeans from Eddie Bauer, because at the time that's where I got them. But don't worry, soon after I know I got some wide leg jeans from Rampage or something. At the Santa Rosa mall, oh yeah.
Me in this picture? I couldn't even drive. I played water polo. I look like a female version of my brother. I hadn't figured out tweezers yet. I had a crush on a boy a grade higher than me, and I used to write "I like Scott" on my apple stickers and stick them on the bench where I ate lunch every day. (Yes, he eventually found them and it made his day, which still makes me smile). I wore the same shoes every day and paired everything with jeans.
But you know what? I still wear jeans with everything and wear the same shoes every day. I try to be different every now and then but I always go back to what I'm comfortable with. I guess I didn't turn out that bad after all.
Now that I'm 28
I really don't feel any different than I did at 27, or 26. I still have the same thoughts and desires, like:
Should I get a T shirt from a vintage band that my parents liked, so the next time I am home I can randomly wear it and score some points with them? (Note: I don't need to impress my parents.)
Where can I meet new friends? What are my desires? Should I try to find some new activity?
Why does murcialago translate to "bat" in spanish? Isn't that the longest word for bat, ever?
Why do certain situations make me furious (dead spots on the lawn from dog pee) but other things I can be ultimately patient with (seeds that take forever to sprout)?
In all seriousness, those are real thoughts that just ran through my head. But also in all seriousness, April was a great birthday month. I got to be the cover story for a friend's surprise 30th birthday party, and it was really nice how happy he was about it all. I said I didn't do anything and in reality, I didn't, but he was happy that I was able to keep the secret for over 2 months. I didn't want him to mope about not doing anything, but a little moping was necessary to sustain the illusion. I almost totally screwed everything, we were talking about what I was doing for MY birthday, and I said "Well, I dunno April is like... so many OTHER birthday things going on." I immediately stopped talking about it, but when I brought it up later he was like, "Oh I was probably so self absorbed that I stopped listening when you stopped talking about me." At least he's honest, it makes me laugh.
On my birthday Josh took me to sushi and Glacier ice cream in Boulder, and it rained. I was actually really happy that it rained, it reminded me of being home. It almost always rained on my birthday. I also bought a miniature domo kun figure. He's 2 inches tall and flocked, and he's currently posed on the kitchen window screaming in outrage at everything. Hands raised in the air and all, it's awesome.
But anyway, happy mellow 28th to me. For a present I got myself a new bed and Josh got me some camera accessories and the top 50 current top 40 songs so I can listen to them loudly when Josh is at hockey :)
Should I get a T shirt from a vintage band that my parents liked, so the next time I am home I can randomly wear it and score some points with them? (Note: I don't need to impress my parents.)
Where can I meet new friends? What are my desires? Should I try to find some new activity?
Why does murcialago translate to "bat" in spanish? Isn't that the longest word for bat, ever?
Why do certain situations make me furious (dead spots on the lawn from dog pee) but other things I can be ultimately patient with (seeds that take forever to sprout)?
In all seriousness, those are real thoughts that just ran through my head. But also in all seriousness, April was a great birthday month. I got to be the cover story for a friend's surprise 30th birthday party, and it was really nice how happy he was about it all. I said I didn't do anything and in reality, I didn't, but he was happy that I was able to keep the secret for over 2 months. I didn't want him to mope about not doing anything, but a little moping was necessary to sustain the illusion. I almost totally screwed everything, we were talking about what I was doing for MY birthday, and I said "Well, I dunno April is like... so many OTHER birthday things going on." I immediately stopped talking about it, but when I brought it up later he was like, "Oh I was probably so self absorbed that I stopped listening when you stopped talking about me." At least he's honest, it makes me laugh.
On my birthday Josh took me to sushi and Glacier ice cream in Boulder, and it rained. I was actually really happy that it rained, it reminded me of being home. It almost always rained on my birthday. I also bought a miniature domo kun figure. He's 2 inches tall and flocked, and he's currently posed on the kitchen window screaming in outrage at everything. Hands raised in the air and all, it's awesome.
But anyway, happy mellow 28th to me. For a present I got myself a new bed and Josh got me some camera accessories and the top 50 current top 40 songs so I can listen to them loudly when Josh is at hockey :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Why...
Why does my confidence balance on this precarious ledge? I'm almost 28 years old, you would think that things like this wouldn't bother me anymore but they definitely do.
One skin breakout and I feel like I should be living in a cave, eating fish with Gollum or something. I literally spent the weekend sulking around feeling like an outcast because I have a few zits that came out of nowhere and are gross and red and huge (and I DID NOT pick at them). And I find myself thinking "Well, it started 4 days ago, so maybe in 4 days it will be gone?" or "I REALLY hope this thing is gone in time for my brother's wedding, I don't want to show up there with a nasty face."
But it just compounds. I shouldn't go outside because I have bad skin. I shouldn't go to dinner because I have bad skin. These shorts make my ass look weird because I have a weird ass, and bad skin. And then I spend time scouring Facebook and comparing myself to all my female friends, going "I bet they don't have this problem. It must be nice being beautiful."
People tell me to knock it off but I literally spent ages 13 - 22 with horrible skin. That's a lot to ask, for someone to spend 9 years with terrible skin. And I know I got over it and it's not so bad now and whatever but it hurts. I know how terrible my skin was; I would only look in the mirror once a day because looking at it shattered any form of confidence that I DID have. Ever wonder why there are NO pictures of me from this time? Well, wonder not because now you know. So now I'm just freaking out thinking "Is it coming back, all of it? Do I need to go back to the dermatologist and get whatever things I didn't try back then? Am I hideous? Does my hair make my face look more awful?"
Blowing it out of proportion? Maybe. Overreacting? Yeah. I'd like to say I have a rock solid confidence foundation that I base my life on, but it would be a lie.
One skin breakout and I feel like I should be living in a cave, eating fish with Gollum or something. I literally spent the weekend sulking around feeling like an outcast because I have a few zits that came out of nowhere and are gross and red and huge (and I DID NOT pick at them). And I find myself thinking "Well, it started 4 days ago, so maybe in 4 days it will be gone?" or "I REALLY hope this thing is gone in time for my brother's wedding, I don't want to show up there with a nasty face."
But it just compounds. I shouldn't go outside because I have bad skin. I shouldn't go to dinner because I have bad skin. These shorts make my ass look weird because I have a weird ass, and bad skin. And then I spend time scouring Facebook and comparing myself to all my female friends, going "I bet they don't have this problem. It must be nice being beautiful."
People tell me to knock it off but I literally spent ages 13 - 22 with horrible skin. That's a lot to ask, for someone to spend 9 years with terrible skin. And I know I got over it and it's not so bad now and whatever but it hurts. I know how terrible my skin was; I would only look in the mirror once a day because looking at it shattered any form of confidence that I DID have. Ever wonder why there are NO pictures of me from this time? Well, wonder not because now you know. So now I'm just freaking out thinking "Is it coming back, all of it? Do I need to go back to the dermatologist and get whatever things I didn't try back then? Am I hideous? Does my hair make my face look more awful?"
Blowing it out of proportion? Maybe. Overreacting? Yeah. I'd like to say I have a rock solid confidence foundation that I base my life on, but it would be a lie.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Richard Gere is not a cop
I've been playing a lot of Unicorn Robot Attack lately, and there's always a bunch of ads that play before I can see the game and play till my hearts' content. Well, I saw an ad the other day for this movie that's out right now, where Richard Gere is a cop. Except there's a problem, because Richard Gere isn't a cop. He's the most horribly miscast cop I've ever seen.
Richard Gere walks around in trench coats and attracts stupid women. He's a lawyer, or basically walks around being pretty woman guy. He doesn't do cop things. He doesn't go on drug busts. He doesn't hold a gun and point it at people. He doesn't ride around in a cop car. And he doesn't give kids the scary straight talk that will help them straighten out their crappy, misguided lives. So what the hell? Why in the world would anyone watch this movie and really believe this character? I don't! I just see him and expect to hear sad trumpet music playing somewhere.
Stop acting like a cop, Gere!
Richard Gere walks around in trench coats and attracts stupid women. He's a lawyer, or basically walks around being pretty woman guy. He doesn't do cop things. He doesn't go on drug busts. He doesn't hold a gun and point it at people. He doesn't ride around in a cop car. And he doesn't give kids the scary straight talk that will help them straighten out their crappy, misguided lives. So what the hell? Why in the world would anyone watch this movie and really believe this character? I don't! I just see him and expect to hear sad trumpet music playing somewhere.
Stop acting like a cop, Gere!
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